


Of Worse or of Better

by clockworkindy



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 05:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1375369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockworkindy/pseuds/clockworkindy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things change with time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Worse or of Better

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Amanda Palmer & The Grand Theft Orchestra’s ‘The Bed Song’ youtube.com/watch?v=iUVvpircaxo
> 
> Also on my art tumblr (whatadigitaldummy - contains nsfw stuff that's mostly yugioh)
> 
> First Reigisa fic

**Exhibit A:**

"Are you sure your friends don’t mind?" Rei asks, apprehensive.

Nagisa nods enthusiastically.

"This is what friends are for." He notes, rolling out a sleeping bag in the middle of the lounge room. "We just have to pitch in for groceries when we can get some money in. And get some of our own stuff when we can afford it."

Things had become difficult when Rei’s parents had disowned him. They’d cut off financial support because he chose Nagisa over them. Rei tells him whenever he can he’s happy about his choice, and with such a genuine smile he drinks every word. Nagisa was able to get a small allowance from his parents. Not enough to rent on but for a few essential items.

Rei crawls into the sleeping bag and helps Nagisa alongside him.  
"We’ll have to get a sleeping mat for two with our first pay-checks…" Rei muses as Nagisa slips in beside him. He yawns and nuzzles Rei’s chest.

"Mmh, but for now this is really nice, being so close to you."

Rei chuckles and kisses his forehead.

They manage to sleep through some wild party upstairs.

—-

Nagisa staggers home, rapping on the door. Rei answers with a huge grin on his face.

"What… You- you got the job?"

Nagisa can tell he’s at a loss for words. Rei, who would always insist on verbal confirmation can do nothing but nod vigorously.

"Nagisa-" He manages to squeak out. Nagisa’s tired brain takes a second to process the information but once he does he jumps into his arms and kisses him all over.

"This is it." Nagisa cheers between sobs. "This is our break. We did it. We did it!"

Rei returns his kisses and wipes his tears away.

"We need to save a lot more, but I promise I’ll buy you something nice when I can."

Rei laughs just because he can. Because he’s happy. Because Nagisa’s happy.

Nagisa tells himself to have at least a little self control when he chooses their first restaurant in forever to eat at.

They hold one-another for the longest time. They stop when it’s evident Nagisa is close to collapsing from exhaustion.

 

**Exhibit B:**

Rei squints at the board at the Optometrist, as if it would make the letters easier to read. He makes a guess but he’s pretty sure he’s wrong. Even with a high prescription he has difficulty.

He puts on his glasses, the ones Nagisa referred to as beer bottles, and turns to the Optometrist. She looks worried.

"I’m going to have to test you with our machines, but I don’t like this."

Rei knew for a while now something was wrong. He’d worked himself to the bone just to keep their new crappy apartment and he really didn’t have the time or money to check earlier. Not when Nagisa depended on him and worked just as hard to keep afloat.

He follows her for the remaining tests.

—-

"Welcome home love." Nagisa greets Rei at the door. When he walks right past him he knows something happened.

He wonders if he should ask him.

"I made dinner." He opts for instead, pulling up a pot of miscellaneous ingredient stew. Rei gives it a glance and turns his attention instead to their futon.

"Sorry, I’m tired." He explains as he kisses Nagisa’s forehead, crawling in for the night.

Nagisa eats in silence and puts the leftovers in their cooler. He goes to bed beside him.

Nagisa considers reaching out and spooning him but decides against it.  
'If something were wrong Rei would tell me eventually.' he tells himself, but Rei is a creature of pride and deals with things in his own time.

They haven’t had sex in a month and a half.

'Maybe tomorrow.' Nagisa tells himself, but it's all wishful thinking and he knows it.

 

**Exhibit C:**

They move into a nicer apartment. One with a working kitchen, a full-sized bathroom and a bed. A proper bed.

Nagisa moves the new mattress onto the frame.

"It’s so… big." He states, sounding hollow.

"Yeah." Rei smiles slightly, not sharing his sentiment as he fits the sheets on. Neat and organised and clinical, just like Rei.

Nagisa holds his arms to his own body subconsciously. He’s sure it’s been such a long time since he’s touched Rei at all. But every touch brings a flinch or an uncomfortable avoidance and he knows better than to make him feel unsafe. Even his obnoxious younger self knew to back off at a certain point.

He curses Rei. He curses his stubborn nature, he curses the fact that he simply cannot be touched any more.

He curses himself because he still loves him more than anything. Loves him enough to give him his space and keep at this. He curses how much he misses holding hands and little smooches.

If he’ll still have him Nagisa will hold onto him forever.

—-

Rei wakes up in the morning, afraid.

"Rei what-" Nagisa goes to ask, but watches as Rei waves his hands before his eyes. He rushes to the other side of the bed and hands him his glasses.

The brief touch of hands is the first point of contact in a long time.

"Does it make it any better?" He asks as he puts them on with haste.

"No…" Rei answers, overwhelmed. "All… all I can see are shadows and fuzzy shapes."

Nagisa holds up his hand and raises three fingers.

"I’ll move my hand closer, tell me what point you can see how many fingers I’m holding up."

He moves to the opposite side of the room and measures as he comes closer.

Five feet, four. Still no answer. Rei’s trying his hardest to figure it out.  
Three feet, two, one…

At ten inches distance he can finally produce an answer.

"Two. No wait… three. Three."

He realises how close Nagisa has to be. He remains silent as Nagisa calls Rei’s workplace.

—-

"Merry Christmas Rei." Nagisa says with a smile, handing him a parcel.

"Thanks Nagisa." Rei replies as he traces along the folds of the wrapping paper to undo the tape. In a neat and orderly fashion.

Eventually it’s off and he’s touching the presents, figuring out what they are. He finds Braille and runs his fingers along.

"Audio books?"

"Yeah, I know you miss being able to read like you used to and I thought that maybe this would help." Nagisa smiles warmly. He sees light in Rei’s eyes, followed by shame.

From behind him Rei pulls out an envelope.

"M… Merry Christmas." He mumbles as Nagisa takes it. He opens it up to find a card in his now messy scrawl and a pre-paid debit card.

"I want you to buy something you really want for yourself."

Nagisa tries to quell his disappointment. The writing is a generic wish for another great year.

Rei is a creature of pride, and with his seeing difficulties he can’t exactly tell his own idea of beauty. He can’t help but think it’s a piece of shit present though, despite being a rather large sum. Almost anything would be better than something so impersonal. Especially from the man he lives with, who he’s shared so much with.

When they were struggling, Rei would bring home the occasional penguin knick-knack. Key-rings, tiny plastic figures, stickers. Nagisa remembered how happy it made him.

"Thanks, I’ll get something nice with this." He says with a smile.

'No amount of money can buy happiness.' Nagisa thinks. Rei never ends up asking what he got with it so he uses it to buy groceries.

—-

Nagisa walks in with a joyous smile.

"Rei, guess what?"

Rei’s holding a book too close to his face but upon hearing Nagisa he moves it further away and continues to pretend reading.

"Mh?" He asks. Short, curt, no unnecessary talking.

"The Government put through a law, gay people can marry!"

"So?" He answers, not looking up from his book. Nagisa’s face falls.

"W… What do you mean ‘so’? It means there’s a lot of happy people who have been waiting a long time to marry. And now they can!"

Rei pinches the bridge of his nose.

"Aside from tax purposes, what does it solve? Are people not in love until they get married? Do they need a certificate and a fancy ceremony to say that they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partner?"

"Well no…" Nagisa answers hesitantly, gritting his teeth.

"And do they need a ring on their finger to show which people belong together?"

"Weddings are beautiful and you would have thought so too years ago!" Nagisa snaps.

"Well!" Rei retorts, standing up and taking off his glasses, waving a hand in front of his eyes to emphasise his point. "I wouldn’t  _know_  now,  _would I_?”

Nagisa stays silent after that but storms out for the next few days. He throws his plans of buying them rings out the window.

 

**Exhibit D:**

Nagisa stands beside Rei in a hospital bed. He’s been comatose for three days now. The doctors aren’t hopeful about his condition. His heart has completely failed him and the donor heart rejected altogether.  
He looks at him, really looks at him after all these years. He’s aged terribly. Nagisa knows he’s not much better off.

For once Nagisa can hold his hand. It’s not as warm as he remembers it being. But that was a long time ago.

Nagisa knows what he wants to say, what he’s always wanted to say. He thinks well before he opens his mouth, just in case Rei can hear.

"Hey." He starts out. He reprimands himself for the beginning, takes a deep breath and starts over.

"Rei. I have a lot to say. A lot. And… and I hope you can hear me because all I want is to sort things out.

Rei doesn’t reply. He can’t reply. Nagisa focuses on his hands just in case they twitch.

"I always have been a lovesick fool for you. I still am." He gives a pained smile. "But I feel like you stopped loving me a long time ago. And it hurt, it really did. But now, now I’ve come to accept that. I want to know more than anything what I did wrong. I want to know how I hurt you and how we got to this. Maybe I pushed you too far without realising or… or maybe you just got bored."

He pauses and takes a shaky breath.

"I want you to be happy. I don’t know if you’ve been happy at all with me. If you ever have been."

Nagisa’s eyes tear up but he makes no attempt to stop them falling. After all, words from the heart are always to be spoken as earnestly as possible.

"That’s why… That’s why when you wake up. When you wake up I’ll do whatever you want me to. I’ll move out, you can be with whoever you want. Or no-one at all. And I’ll let you live your own life. And if you do want me as a lover… I’ll take you however you come."

He chokes on his last few words. He takes a shuddering breath.

"I have just one… one thing to ask."

He takes Rei’s hand and kneels down, placing it to his forehead.

"Please." He sobs loudly. "Please don’t- don’t forget me, don’t ever stop being my best friend!"

Rei makes no movement. The only sound comes from the machines keeping him alive and Nagisa’s wailing.

—-

Rei is pronounced brain-dead two days later. Nagisa was amazed to find that he was listed as his next of kin. He was given the final say on pulling the plug.

He remembers one conversation they had long ago. He never would have found being in a vegetative state tolerable.

He gives the order. He doesn’t cry. He can’t.

—-

Nagisa finds himself coughing up blood.

He’s hospitalised and checked out. The doctors find Melanoma on his back. It’s already spread to his liver, his lungs, his bones. It’s far too late for treatment to be effective.

He doesn’t find it in himself to care.

He lets the cancer consume him and in a week he can’t even move any more.

In another three days he joins Rei in death.

 

**Exhibit E:**

Nagisa opens his eyes to the shade of a cherry blossom tree and clear blue sky. He sifts his fingers through the recently dug earth.

He sits up to check himself. His fingers meet with smooth young skin and soft blond curls.

"I never stopped loving you." He hears the voice next to him.

He turns around in surprise to see Rei in his youth, eyes healthy. His back is against his own grave.

"Rei…"

"I was scared." He confesses after so long. "I was so scared. Of losing my sight, of losing you…" Rei pauses because there are tears trailing down.

Nagisa can’t remember the last time he saw Rei cry. He’s not sure he ever has.

"You heard me." Nagisa states more than asks. Rei nods.

"I was… scared of everything." as the last word comes from his lips, he grabs Nagisa’s body and holds him close. "And I didn’t know what to do."

Nagisa pets his hair. Holds him closer. Like he’s wanted to for years. He smells him and it’s just like he remembers.

"I just wanted- I just wanted you to be happy and I failed. I made you think I was horrible; and I was. I made you think I was angry with you and you did nothing but treat me well." He falls into hysterical sobbing.  
"I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me!" Rei whimpers out.

Nagisa hushes him and they hold one another for the longest time.

They have eternity to make up for what they missed out on.


End file.
